Now Hiring: Personal bodyguard

I recently put an ad up for sexy twin bodyguards because that is what the mega-rich do these days.

The original post:

Mega-billionaire seeks hot twin bodyguard/assassins – m4ww (Secret)

It has come into my knowledge that a certain left-wing underground society is targeting me and my vast wealth. The only way I know to protect myself is to do what all mega-billionaires do in this day and age: hire hot twin assassins to protect them.

Job requirements:
● Must be proficient in hand to hand combat techniques
● Must be able to handle Warsaw and NATO Pact small arms and on occasion heavier hardware, like TV guided missiles. The one with the camera on it.
● Able to identify biochemical agents. These are mostly labeled, but there are a couple of techs I employ that refuse to write anything down.
● Training programs ARE available, as there are terribly few biochemist/assassin/weapon experts in the world

Relocation:
● You must move into my secret lair upon getting hired.
● I have to move my secret lair on occasion due to attacks from the aforementioned left-wing agendaists. Must be able to lift 40 pounds unassisted. I hired a moving company one time. They were secret agents. I had to trick them into driving into a volcano.

Salary: Negotiable based on experience. I will be doing background checks on applicants.
Benefits: Full health and dental. We have a flex spending account to get laser eye correction done, I can’t abide people wearing glasses (exception: safety glasses) while firing pistols akimbo and diving through shattering glass. We have an accidental death and dismemberment clause also, since our insurance company doesn’t know exactly WHAT we do here; however, it does NOT cover accidents based on biochemical agents that are improperly marked or handled. We also have a fierce 401K plan.

I am also looking for backup sets of twin assassins. Don’t feel bad if you get second-stringed, the right-wing ultranationalists that have differing opinions on how many mulligans one is allowed in a friendly game of golf are consistently sending agents to kill me. So the first set might not make it. Just last week our catering company was infiltrated and attempted to poison me with steak tartar. Luckily, I find that dish to be vile and wanted nothing to do with it.

I look forward to hearing from you!

 

The responses:

I’ve redacted personal information from the responses.

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From: Sachi XXXXXXXX

Hello, are you truly a billionaire? I am a 21 year old girl struggling. I need some money for rent and food and nobody at all wants to help me. I don’t want to take all your money or hurt you, can you just help me with a little bit? Please.

I look forward to your reply.

Thank you so much

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From: Ray

I read your job posting with some interest.  I believe that I do meet the basic qualifications for this job.  I am in fact a combat veteran of the US (NATO) military, with a solid background in small arms.  As a bonus I am also familiar with demolitions techniques, mine/countermine operations, have been air assault qualified.  In addition, I hold a BS in biological sciences, and am a graduate of the 52D (biological/Chemical Operations) school.  I have traveled widely, speak some spanish, and can bluff my way through the Karachi airport.

Sadly, I do not have a twin.  I do have a pretty common look, however.  If you squint a little and dress another job candidate similarly to me, I think we might be able to make this work.  Unless the necessity arises for some kind of cloning work.

Salary Negotiable.

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From: Autumn XXXXXXXXX

So its kind of like I am twins….in my mind. I am proficient in using my body as a weapon, never getting dirty, even through blood spurtu events. I can also get out aforementioned blood stains with the greatest of ease.
I enjoy secret volcano pairs, long walks through warzones and am a 7 handicap golfer(on the links I don’t have to kill anyone…..I make them want to do it themselves).
Those are the only details I can give you for now……

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From: Michael XXXXX

Dear Sirs and/or Madams,

I have all these qualities PLUS  I’m so hawt and buffed I’m actually MORE than a set of twins. I’m like 2.7 regular people and I could easily take out any twins with the possible exception of Ninja twins, my only real true Achiles heel.

I will wait 36 hrs and 36 hrs only for you to summon me to your lair and then I must move on to extinguish and squelch some Village in Al Mahrah.

Respectfully,

Raven.

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From: Liz XXXXXX

Hello!
I would like to let you know I am of high interest for this position.
I do not have a twin, but I am sure I could find a slim male figure who would dress in costume and wig to make a twin look-a-like.
I am, however, excellent at hand to hand combat techniques. I always beat one of my hands when it comes to playing with myself. And – I LOVE cameras so I can capture every moment of the action.
If you could keep the biochemical agents labeled it would be in your favor. I have been known to be clumsy in the laboratory. I can write some extra labels if necessary. My handwriting is impeccable.
Before moving to your secret lair, I will need to see pictures. Well, at least tell me there is a dust buster (I have a putred passion against dust bunnies) and a large shoe closet. I guess I should tell you that I have a wardrobe the size of a small country and ONLY wear boots.
On a more positive note, I can lift over 40 pounds. I bench my children every night before bed time and throw my dog across the room at least 2x a day. NM that my dog is a chihuahua. Speaking of, can I bring my dog for this? You should soooo see the satchel my dog rides in. How bad would that be to have at least one hot badyguard that carries a glitzy dog satchel and wears high heel over the calf boots with an ultra mini skirt on and bikini top? Talk about photo opps out the yin-yang!
Hmmm… Steak tartar. Not quite as bad as sliced bull balls and snail mucous.
Anyway – I look forward to a response.
I can send a picture if that is the next step.
_your hopeful future bodyguard

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I love this next one:

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From: Invalid Invalid (also an obvious fake yahoo address)

Comming for you

The left-wing underground society.  🙂

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From: Eileen XXXXXXX

Hi, there.  Let me get these pesky little details off my chest first.  I am not a twin, nor am I a trained biochemist/assassin/weapons expert.  I don’t know anything about TV guided missiles, but they sound like fun.  Will there be an option to learn to ride them like they did in “Doctor Strangelove”?  I’m 58, and I was hot once – you can ask my husband.  Can he come too?  That would take some of the problematic bits out for me.

To comment on some of your requirements:

  • About the secret lair thing….that shouldn’t be a problem.  Are you allergic to cats?  We have two.
  • I can indeed lift 40 pounds.  Pretty cool for an old broad, eh?
  • Hand to hand combat…?  I had a big brother.  I know all about having to defend myself.
  • Your benefit plan sounds acceptable.  I notice you didn’t mention how many paid holidays.  That will be important.
  • As to salary, I’d like to start at $30,000 a week.  I will have to update my wardrobe appropriately.  I really don’t have a lot of black leather.  If you’re a billionaire, that shouldn’t be a problem.
  • I notice you like golf.  So do we.  It makes for a nice outing.

Well, I hope to hear from you soon, giving me details as to when we can start and where you’ll be depositing my salary.

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This next one is GREAT

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From: Cyclone Tyrannosaurus, esq.

Dear sir, 


I read your ad with great interest. I am a small time mercenary who has also had negative dealings with ultra right win nationalists. One time, they sent a pizza man to lure me away with the promise of piping hot pepperoni and jalapeno pizza, but I was able to take care of him with a weapon made from 3 paperclips, chewing gum, a stapler and my neighbour’s cat. I also killed a man with a pair of underwear, a bell pepper and a gun with 5 bullets. Its a long story, I’ll save it for the interview. 

I guess, if it is necessary for employment, I will abide by NATO and Warsaw pacts. I have this missile I bought from this guy in Moldavia, and I was able to rebuild the navigational system using an Atari and one of those old-timey crank handle record players. I’ve been dying for a chance to use it, but it can wait, now that I’ve stopped that annoying plutonium leak.  

Unfortunately, I am not a twin. However, I am willing to be cloned. If you don’t have the facilities, I know a guy in Algeria who can do it and some scientists in Brazil that can make cyborg twins, with optional shoulder-mounted rockets, if that would suit you. I will send a resume, if asked, but here is a list of just some of my qualifications:
  • Expert in Krav Maga. I tore a man’s eye out and killed another man with it. And then made it into a tasteful necklace.
  • Expert in Shin-Vatasharyha, a martial art that was only known by one man in Tibet. He taught it to me, then I killed him, just to teach him.
  • Some experience with lackeys, i.e. sending them to their death, watching them take on the bad guy one at a time, etc.
  • I can make a weapon out of anything. Beat a mugger up with a halibut once. 
  • I can walk away from close explosions and look completely cool doing it. My hair waves around all nice, and time slows down. Its pretty neat, but I don’t like to show it off. 
  • Large boobs. I know that doesn’t seem like a qualification, but you put me in a tight shirt with my DD’s bouncing around, I can get you out of any situation. 
  • The ability to take any complicated explanation and re-explain it in a way that is both incredibly simple and sarcastic. This will come in handy.
  • Voted most likely to survive a zombie apocalypse in high school
  • Willing to add an eyepatch, facial scars, tattoos or anything to look more intimidating. I’ll already be wearing totally black, with unnecessary ammo belts and too many pockets, but I can up the ante if that’s not enough. Perhaps more pockets?
  • I can jump cars, trains, motorcycles, anything. If it has wheels, and there’s a convenient ramp nearby, I can get it in the air and back onto the ground with no damage to your vehicle
If my skills interest you in the slightest, please respond. I have another offer to investigate the disappearance of some Special Forces guys in Guatemala who were taken out by an “invisible alien”. And another offer to investigate a station in Antartica where everyone died (except this one dog) and now there’s nothing there except some Norwegian journals with some crazy crap about creatures that kill you and then take your shape. *sigh* I hope I get this job. I don’t like the cold. Or Guatemala. 

Sincerely, 
Cyclone Tyrannosaurus, esq.

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This next one made me crack up

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From: Austin XXXXXX

Are you Mark Levin?
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From: Deborah XXXXXX

I have a set of twins not identical but if you are willing to try and train they are young teens. Daughter can talk the enemy to death or a coma son is autistic but excels at breaking and entering is mostly non verbal so will keep all your secrets safe. Both like fire and would probably like to blow things up older brother would also like to destroy stuff like in the movies Daughter and older son would also like to work with dart guns they may not work well together as they would sometimes aim at each other.
Thank you for your time.
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And saving the very best response for last:

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From: Claire XXXXXX

Hi Sir,

I think my twin sister and I might be perfect for your assassin jobs. We both graduated Yale in 2008 (I with a degree in biomedical engineering, my sister with a double major in computer science and modern middle east studies). We’re both Jewish, and between 2008 and 2010 decided to do our military service in Israel (both in intelligence, but we’ve been trained in combat).

Last year, I completed a masters in electrical and opto-electronic engineering at Oxford (with a specialization in liquid crystal and ordered molecular systems microelectronic circuits and analogue devices). My sister advanced into a higher unit of the Israeli intelligence services, and just left one month ago.

In terms of attractiveness, to make money during college we both modeled on the side (for Patagonia, the Gap, Teen Vogue, and Elle, and in music videos for Atmosphere, Black Milk, No Age,  and MGMT).

Let us know if there’s anymore information we can provide!

All the best,

Claire and Sarah